My Greatest Gift in Recovery
The following is something that I wrote about a year ago. I’m sorry if it seems a bit overly sentimental but I mean every word of it. Recovery from addictions has been wonderful but some gifts of sobriety have been more important than others.
edgily My Greatest Gift in Recovery
For much of my life I could best be described as a waster. I drank away my late teens and continued into my twenties and spent over half my thirties devoted to this destructive obsession. During this time all that was really important much of the time was feeding my addiction. People who came in contact with me rarely benefited from my arrival into their lives; many people suffered because of it. I was just too selfish and self-absorbed to be of any use to anybody really. I had given up any dream of starting a family early on in my drinking career; I saw it as a sad but necessary sacrifice.
Yet, here I am about to celebrate my son’s second birthday; my greatest gift in sobriety. My little boy is getting bigger and bigger. I am in the peculiar position of wanting to watch him grow, but wanting to freeze every precious second that we spend together. It is all happening so fast. People said it would, and I thought that I knew what they meant; I didn’t. He is growing right in front of my eyes and every day I notice changes. He is not the same boy he was last month.
I am my son’s world and he is mine; at least for the moment. He is continuing to grow though, and one day he will discover that he doesn’t need me as much as he does now. He will realise that I’m not perfect. That is probably the fear of all fathers; the fear that our child will one day not need us quite as much as they do now.
This time next year my son will have changed all over again; the boy he is now will have disappeared. Maybe his current Thomas the Tank Engine obsession will be replaced by something new. One day he won’t need me to set up his train track and read him bedtime stories about the Island of Sodor and the naughty trains. One day he won’t scream with excitement when one of these imaginary trains come off the rails and the fat controller gets angry. One day he will realise that trains are just trains. One day I will be left wishing that we could go back to these simple times.
My son makes me feel a bit unworthy sometimes. Why should somebody who wasted so much of their life deserve to be a father to such a special boy? I can’t answer that. All I know is that my son is my life and for the moment I am his. I also know that there is nothing I won’t do to be that special father my son deserves.
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A year has passed and my son is now three; the time continues to fly by. He is no longer as interested in Thomas the Tank Engine but instead now loves Ben and Holly; The Magic Kingdom. What hasn’t changed is my belief that my little man is the greatest gift in my recovery – by far.
Never apologize for your writing.
Your post reminded me that as we watch our children grow that we need to remember (as adults) to never stop growing too. You are a work in progress and never unworthy of love ~ the fact that you wrote this post is a good indication that you are a great father.
Thank you Lani. I do like to think of myself as a work in progress. I don’t know about being a great father but I certainly want to be.
Paul – great post and one I can relate to, although I’m still going through the transitional stage myself (alcohol and nicotine). Sometimes in life something like a young one coming along can give someone the kick up the butt they need. New life really can teach an old dog new tricks.
Hi Martyn, I am so glad that my son has never seen me drink; I would have been a disaster as a drunken father. The arrival of my son has made me a lot less selfish.
Great post Paul, well worth repeating with an update.
Your son is about a year older than mine and I too am proud to be a father and, at times, somewhat overwhelmed to think that I am responsible for him and, soon to be, another young soul in this world. One thing that is for sure is that we never stop learning, or developing, as Lani said in the first comment. I am sure your son will find benefit in your past misdoings, it may well prompt him, in time, to take a strong stance against alcohol.
Thank you Jon, I do want to be a good example for my son. My father tried to educate me about the dangers of alcohol but I didn’t want to listen. Hopefully my son will get the message.
This was beautiful. Your son is lucky to have a father who loves him so much.
Thank you Megan. I spend a lot of time in my own head; I work on the computer all day. Even though I work from home it is like I’m sometimes missing out on him growing up. I have to keep reminding myself that he is growing up fast and that I won’t get this time back.
Paul, I don’t know how I missed this post – it’s beautiful.