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The Meditation Practice I Laughed at Until it Changed My Life
I left the 26-day meditation retreat wondering if I’d achieved nirvana. Just three days later, and it feels like my world is collapsing. It’s 2002, and I’m staying in Hua Hin Thailand. I decided to celebrate my retreat success with a beer. Just the one and only a half pint. I wanted it to be a ceremonial farewell to the drug that had almost destroyed my life. But now it is three days later, and I can’t stop. In desperation I go to the nearest temple. I find a monk who is willing to talk to me. His name is…
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How Walking Saved Me From a Mental Breakdown
London 1994, I’m in the midst of a mental breakdown. My thoughts have been racing for days. I’m desperate. I’ve been relying on cans of superstrong cider to calm my mind down, but it has stopped working. Even buying alcohol is hard now because entering a shop can trigger a panic attack. In recent weeks, I’ve walked out of my job, lost my bedsit, and cut off all contact with friends. I’m homeless and alone. I want help, but the idea of asking for it terrifies me. I yearn for somebody to come along and whisk me off to a…
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I Hardly Met the Man
I hardly met the man. Yet, forty years later, and I’m still thinking about him. He would have been around my age now . Back then older people were about as interesting to me as furniture; just things that existed in the background. It was girls that had my attention. Closely followed by lads to go drinking flagons of cider with. And yet, this old man stood out like a beacon. I can’t remember how we ended up in his house. I was with my dad, so it must have been one of his friends. I do remember there being…
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My Struggle to Communicate
The session ends with a sense of frustration. This is the one where I talk specifically about trust, intimacy, and wonder. It seems that the closer I get to things I want to say, the more my words fail me. I am all too aware of the confused and sometimes even bored faces as I strain to get my points across. All my life I’ve struggled to communicate. My earliest memories of interactions with adults include a lot of “what’s he bloody saying”. I mumbled and spoke too fast. I felt ashamed of my words, and just wanted to fling…
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From Barstool Dreams to Real Imagination
It didn’t take too long for me to realize that getting into conversations with strangers in bars could end badly. I tended to get more insulting and argumentative after a few beers. So, I usually preferred to just drink alone. I’d have a book with me in the bar, but I’d spend much of the time just daydreaming. One of the things that attracted me to alcohol was how it seemed to free my imagination. I could fall into a drunken fantasy about my future success, and this could go on for hours. A common fear about quitting alcohol and…
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Disappearing in an Irish Park
A few years ago, I was back visiting Ireland. I was walking through a park near where I grew up. I was wearing this old jacket that was a bit too big for me. Out of nowhere, I experienced the sensation of being watched. I imagined how other people might see me in that park. A middle-aged anonymous bald guy who looked a bit scruffy . This image of how other people saw me was so different from the image of how I saw myself. Which one was correct? Was I the main character in my own drama, or was…
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Moving Statues in Ireland Trigger Enchantment
Moving statues of the Virgin Mary were all the rage in Ireland in the mid-1980s. I got to visit one, even though I wasn’t a believer. And yet, I couldn’t help but be caught up in the magical atmosphere. After about an hour of staring at the thing, it moved. There was a loud gasp of wonder and astonishment from the crowd. For a moment, the world became enchanted. There was no denying the magic in that moment, but it didn’t bring me back to my childhood faith. It wasn’t that my rational mind objected. I didn’t just put it…
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Patrick Kavanagh’s Teaching on the Passionate Transitory
Patrick Kavanagh teaches us that love, wonder, and joy are available in even the most difficult moments. He describes the passionate transitory that awaits us when we can see beyond claptrap.
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My Teenage Heartbreak and the Illusion of Should
“In the end it took me a dictionary to find out the meaning of unrequited” Billy Bragg – The Saturday Boy My heart was broken at seventeen by a girl who refused to fit in with my plans. We started going out a few months before her debs ball. Looking back, I suspect her desire to have somebody to take to this event was a big part of her motivation in dating me. I had big ideas for our future together, but we were moving in opposite directions. She was about to go to university. I had been kicked out…
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The Conflict Within Perception
Ordinary perception is divided into two. The German philosopher Fichte describes this division as between the Ich (I) and Nicht-Ich (not I). This “I” part of the perception includes all of our ideas about who we are, who other people are, and how the world is supposed to be. The “not I” is perceived as the outside world which tends to be seen as in opposition. In fact, the sense of “I” can only exist by differentiating itself from the “not I” There is a conflict inherent in this way of perceiving as the I tries to dominate, escape, or…