7 Things I Hate to Admit About Myself

This is one of those posts where I’m going to feel nervous before hitting the publish button. It it wise to be so open about my life? Will you guys be able to judge these admissions in context or will you just see me as a bit of a loser?

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I Worry That I’m a Shit Father

My son is the most important thing in my life, but I worry that I’m a shit father. The problem is that I get so lost in my own thoughts. I work from home, but I can be very distant at times. Timmy is growing up so fast, and I just need to make more time for him. I get annoyed with myself because what I should be doing is so obvious, making more time for him, but I just keep on slipping back into my obsessions.

I Worry that Being a Good Writer is the Best I Can Achieve

I make my living as a writer so being good is the bare minimum in order to survive. There are millions of good writers out there so it just isn’t enough. If being a good writer is the best that I can achieve, it means that I’m screwed. I’m going to do everything possible to become a brilliant writer, but what if I just don’t have what it takes?

I Felt Disappointed by the Performance of Dead Drunk

One of the greatest experiences of my life was the promotional work surrounding the release of my book Dead Drunk back in 2010. For a two week period, I got to appear on TV and radio and even got invited to do some book signings. I felt like I’d arrived, and it seemed inevitable that my book would be a huge hit – in my mind it had already sold millions of copies. Dead Drunk did go on to sell a few thousand copies, and I’ve received plenty of positive feedback (some have even claimed my story changed their life), but I was just expecting so much more.

There Have Been Times When My Only Reason to Stay Alive Has Been My Family

I have managed to build a great life since giving up alcohol seven years ago, so it is not easy for me to admit that there have been a few times when worry and depression has caused me to question the benefits of being alive. The only reason for wanting to continue existing on these dark days has been my wife and son – as well as my family back in Ireland.

I’m a Hypochondriac with a Fear of the Medical Profession

I’ve worked in the medical profession as a nurse, but I have a deep distrust of putting my life into the care of other people. I avoid going near doctors unless my symptoms are so bad that I can’t ignore them any longer. A couple of years ago I worried myself sick about a lump on my testicles, but I waited over a week before going to the hospital.

I Sometimes Feel Like I Made a Mistake By Giving Up Nursing

I gave up the secure career of a nurse to become a freelance blogger three years ago. I loved nursing but writing is my dream job. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been, so I took the plunge and launched myself into a new career. I expected things to be tough in the beginning, but I wasn’t prepared for just how inherently unstable freelance work can be. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was just gambling with my own future, but I’m also gambling with the future of my wife and son.

I’m Fearful of Dying Relatively Young

I’m afraid of dying before reaching the age of sixty – I also worry that by entertaining this fear, I’m creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t know if it’s normal to have this type of fear, or if it is a message coming from my subconscious? In a way I’m glad to have this fear because momento mori is such a great motivator for getting the most out of life.

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9 thoughts on “7 Things I Hate to Admit About Myself

  1. Paul,

    I really respect your authenticity. There may be millions of good writers, but authentic, raw, vulnerable ones are too rare. Posts like this are the hardest to publish, but they are what make true fans out of people (like me). I have been working through the 12 steps recently and have come to accept that “The Work” is never-ending. It is a marathon, not a sprint. For what it’s worth, I think your fears and insecurities are not weaknesses or shortcomings, but reflections of what it means to be a man/human in this day & age.

    I’m not sure how much you want to reach a wider audience, but to me your writing seems like it would be a great fit for sites like http://goodmenproject.com/ – perhaps an expanded readership would help alleviate some of your professional worries.

    Keep on fighting – and may you have the wisdom to know the difference between the things you can change and those you cannot.

  2. Addressing fears #5 and #7, here is an irony for you: I had those fears, too. The cure? I had a hidden brain aneurysm suddenly burst, right in the middle of a normal day. I got help immediately, and everyone did his job (especially LOTS of nurses). All we can do in this life is take good care of ourselves and press on through our fears. It sounds like that’s what you’ve been doing. It takes a lot of courage, doesn’t it?

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