The Shame of Being a Drunk

One of the most painful aspects of being a drunk for me was the shame of it all. I couldn’t look other people in the eye – not even other drunks. The idea that the eyes are the windows of the soul sounded logical enough to me, and I definitely didn’t want others to see what was going on inside me. There were times during my early twenties when my self esteem was so low that I felt guilty about being alive. In fact I remember apologizing for my existence on a few occasions to people who decided I was a waste of space and wanted to share that observation with me. The best appraisal I could hope for in those days was pity – I could work with that.

If something good happened to me during those years of drunkenness it would become a source of worry. I knew that I didn’t deserve such good fortune. I distrusted any happiness because in my mind it meant that life was getting ready to give me a massive kick in the teeth – my just desserts. Inebriation allowed me to put on a show of extroversion and confidence, but it was all a façade because deep down I knew that my actions were wrong and I was completely wrong.

Deserving Addiction

When people ask me how I could have allowed myself to fall so low in life I can only say that at the time it felt deserved. Even when I ended up with my pants full of poo, while begging on the streets of London, I didn’t question whether I deserved to be there. In fact for the first time in ages it felt as if I’d found my place in life. The nice thing about being ranked among the lowest of the low is that you lose so many of your fears – you know that you can’t fall any further in life. I no longer had to worry about people finding out about how messed up I felt inside. All they had to do now was look at me (or smell me) to know that.

Thinking More about Other People Helped Me Feel Better About Myself

I could not escape my alcoholism until I became convinced that this wasn’t something that I deserved. It was a tough process because increasing my self esteem while still drinking alcohol was an impossible task. Luckily for me I managed periods of sobriety where I got glimpses of my potential. The first major shift in my thinking occurred in my mid twenties when I managed to stay sober for two whole years. I returned to education and improved my qualifications, but the most significant event during that period was doing voluntary work which brought me into contact with people who were dealing with severe learning difficulties. This experience changed me. I made the amazing discovery that thinking more about other people made me feel better about myself. I also found that by helping other people it gave my life a value.

Ending My Addiction Ended My Shame

When I finally gave up alcohol for good six years ago it also brought an end to my shame. I know that my actions during those years hurt people, but it was me who suffered the most. I no longer regret those wasted years because they made me who I am today, but I do regret any hurt I caused. Today I can look anyone in the eye. I don’t feel less than anyone else. Some days it can be hard for me to imagine how I could once have thought so little of myself – but I did.