The joys of Dealing with Thai Neighbours
When you live in a country like Thailand it usually means having to adapt your lifestyle if you want to fit in – or at least not stick out too much. I still consider myself a guest in Thailand even though I’ve been here a few years. I do my best to respect the local norms and I do try not to rock the boat too much; some days are easier than others when it comes to this. One of the biggest challenges for me since moving to Thailand has been dealing with Thai neighbors. This has not been because my Thai neighbors are unfriendly; not a bit of it. The problem that I have with them is that they just don’t understand privacy like we do back in the west. As I say, it is up to me to change and not Thailand, but this is an issue that causes me great discomfort sometimes.
The first time I really noticed the liberal attitude that my Thai neighbors have to privacy was during the four and a half years living in my wife’s village. I quickly found that not only was my presence in the village the source of much comment and interest, but it also meant that my living room took on the feel of a drop-in centre. Where we lived didn’t have a proper door but instead had shutters; once they were open it was like we lived in a shop with Thai neighbors dropping by for a chat. Some mornings I would beg my wife to leave the shutters down for another hour in the morning. She always patiently explained to me that if we didn’t open our doors at seven then the whole village would be commenting on how lazy we were; this didn’t bother me one bit, but it did worry my wife. At night when the shutters were finally pulled down again it would feel like coming off stage after a busy show.
I remember one time waiting for weeks to have satellite television installed in our home. I hadn’t watched any English language TV in months so I was really excited. It happened that day that one of the young monks dropped by for a visit. I actually liked it when the monks called by because Buddhist philosophy is one of my favorite subjects. This particular monk had told me from the beginning that he had no real interest in Buddhism and had only ordained for the free education. This day he had not come to exchange views on esoteric Buddhism but only to play football on my Playstation with his younger brother. He stayed there for six hours even though I was itching to try out my new satellite channels. I was fuming and dropped every subtle hint in the book, but my wife would not allow me to ask him to leave. You just don’t tell people that they have out stayed their welcome in Thailand; causing someone to lose face like this is a big no-no.
It must seem to Thai people that we westerners are an unfriendly lot sometimes. I don’t know how much truth there is in this, but it just feels unnatural for me to be around people all the time. I value my personal space; it really feels like my sanity requires it. Maybe it is the west that has it wrong.
In some ways I really admire the people of Thailand for begin so open with each other and not having the same barriers between people that we do in the west. This is not to say that all Thai people share the same view about neighbors. There are likely many Thai people who are as troubled by overly intrusive Thai neighbors as I am.
Now that we live away from the village and in a city it doesn’t mean that dealing with my Thai neighbors is always easy. At least now we have a front door we can close. Sometimes this isn’t enough and any stranger walking by might decide to drop in for a chat. This can still take a lot of getting used to but I’m getting better at it. My son is only three and already has friends visiting; I expect this will become a lot more frequent when he starts school -luckily I now have an office to escape to.
I know what you mean. I once stayed with a friend of mine and his wife in Korat – they had a lovely house in a village about 6 miles outside the city. But like you they were inundated with visitors who used to raid the fridge, watch TV and worst of all help themselves to his beer.
He complained to his wife and asked her to stop them but she wouldn’t. She was adamant that they were from the same village and were therefore welcome and that was that.
My friend is still with his wife but they have moved into a condo in Bangkok – no such problem now.
I also live in a condo, my neighbours are Japanese, American and a Brit. No problems here !
Hi Mav, I think it is definitely more of a problem in a village. I know a few westerners have moved to rural areas and built huge walls around their property – I’m not sure how effective this is though 🙂
Paul like you and Mav I too suffer from this problem which also includes my neighbours pack of soi dogs who now treat me as pack leader:-)
Duen gets really upset if I complain.
I hide my beer now and only keep one cold bottle in the fridge. I also lock the gate, which is fine as a deterrent for the dogs but doesn’t necessarily stop the neighbours!
I must also say that I find my neighbours very generous so whilst they might like to watch my TV they usually give me some fruit or whatever is in season.
Mind you the other day I nearly went ballistic when a neighbour asked Duen if we had any Tokay Gecko’s around the house (we have) as he wanted to come inside and collect them so he could sell them for 500 Baht a pop to the Chinese medicine man.
Paul, sorry forgot to add something in my mini rant. Apparently Thais do not like to be alone, so they think we don’t too. Try explaining about enjoying having your own space to someone in Thai 🙂
Hi Mike, you made me laugh when you mentioned the not wanting to be alone bit. I remember when I first moved to Thailand I was a bit shocked by the fact that people would appear if I made a snack. It wasn’t that I was greedy but I just felt odd eating in front of strangers. I later found out that a lot of Thai people think that it is a bit sad to see people eating alone – they thought they were doing me a favour by eating half my bag of crisps :-)I have since discovered though that food is tastier if you share it.
Paul, that had to have been a hard day trying to get some English tv in and not make a monk lose face.
Whenever I am up country everyone wants to come and see the falang and touch him …and they all hope he springs for beer. I’m like you I value my personal space and time alone. This weekend we had visitors from Bangkok, Pookie’s cousin and husband. Very nice people but the husband had no concept of personal space…always touching me and putting his arms around me…after 5 hours of that I needed a shower.
Hi Talen, I’m usually not a very tactile person either. I find it a bit uncomfortable to even hug blood relatives sometimes. Mind you, when I was drunk I’d want to hug everyone. Some Thai men can be very tactile and it is hard for me not to feel a little uneasy. I’m outwardly smiling but my mind is saying ‘please remove your hand’.
Paul, if I had to deal with Thai village life, I’d go bonkers within a month. I have to have my privacy so would end up insulting the neighbors rather quickly.
I used to think that everyone was super polite to each other in Thailand, but it isn’t that way for all levels of Thai society. I have one Thai friend who will stand up for herself. She’s almost 60, and says when she was younger she didn’t dare. But she does now, with mixed results.
The trick? Her opening line is ‘I am a teacher’.
I’ve witnessed grown Thai men grovel at the mention.
One time she become miffed at how I was treated by Homepro, so called and talked to the manager in her stern, teacher’s voice. She talked a long time. And she got them hopping.
Another time we were visiting a public park and found that the train had been reserved. But it was supposed to be free for ALL Thai people to ride, and we’d traveled a way to do just that. Incensed, she pushed me up and into it, and got in after. After five minutes we were joined by a group carrying HUGE professional videos cameras and such. Some in the train, some walking alongside. Seems one of the royal in-laws has a popular tourist show and had reserved the train for a feature. Ooops.
Hi Cat, when I worked as a nurse I met plenty of women who seen to project an aura that people automatically respected. I wonder if it would be possible to hire out your Thai friend on an hourly basis – I’m sure she would come in handy.
Yes or no, she’ll certainly get a kick out of the asking 🙂
She could be like that guy in that old TV show ‘the Equaliser’ – I’m not sure if you are familiar with it.
I have a vague memory of the show. She’s a great fan of western TV, so she might know better. And if she does, she’ll think the suggestion a hoot.
Paul when I spend time in Wilai’s village she shuts (not locks) the front gate at eight evening time. She says it’s a sign to outsiders that we have shut ourselves away for the night, family excluded. It seems to work no problem, apart from the big religious days when the menfolk are fuelled with lao khao and would wade neck high through water for another free drink. Mike’s comment differs from mine but that’s the way it seems to be up Wilai’s way.
Mind you for the other 14 hours of the day the locals make up for it. I reckon the only way to get any quality time alone in the house would be to put the fridge and TV in the front garden.
Hi Martyn, I had given up alcohol for my last year in the village. It still didn’t stop people turning up with their own alcohol though. Maybe instead of putting your fridge in the front garden you could stick a cash register beside it 🙂
Hi Paul,
There are definitely a couple of hoops and loops that come with living in Thailand. Thais most likely don’t like to be alone, that’s for sure!
So far I dodged invitations to Yaa (Grand ma) and an unknown friend to me of my wife with baby. Three time lucky?
I’ve lived in the Issan region of Thailand for 10 years now and found that the way to discourage unwanted gests and freeloaders is to have a big fence around your property and then have at least a couple of big dogs that don’t like strangers.
The dogs get to know your extended family quickly but never warm to neighbours.
Works for me.