Learning to Judge Less and Accept More
A trap that I too regularly fall into is wasting time worrying about what other people are doing and thinking. For some reason this tends to happen more with me when my life is going well. One of the benefits of having the shit hit the fan is that it does not leave me much time to worry about what strangers are up to. On an intellectual level I know that judging other people is a terribly bad idea, but this does not stop me from doing it.
Judging Comes in Many Forums
Almost all the judging I do these days occurs with strangers posting on web forums. As you can probably tell from the blog I am a bit of a fan of spiritual endeavors, but almost all the forums devoted to this topic attract skeptics. I don’t usually set out to get into a debate, but sometimes I can’t resist rising to the bait. It isn’t even like I want to change these people’s views – it is more like I want to beat them over the head with them. It is just so easy to fall into ‘us and them’ thinking and this is where the judging starts. The fact that the web is anonymous makes it even easier to demonize the other side.
One of the main dangers with judging another person is that it makes it almost impossible to understand what they are actually saying. This because by forming a judgement I have already decided that I know what they are going to say. My goal then becomes to prove them wrong. There are plenty of other people out there who are doing the exact same thing, and this is why these online debates often turn into personal attacks rather than exchanging information. I know that the intensity of these debates makes them entertaining, but I always walk away feeling a bit depressed – even on those occasions when it felt like I was on the winning side.
I find that negativity is a drain on my energy, and judging other people is one of the most potent forms of negativity. My views about life are changing all the time so it seems a bit silly to judge others for having different views than my own. I’m fairly confident that in a year’s time I will look back on my current beliefs and opinions and decide that at least some of them were wrong. This is what happens every year, and I see it as a good thing. I would imagine that if there were an online forum where I could communicate with the ‘me’ from past years it would involve a constant flame war.
My Goal is to Accept More
One thing that I’ve discovered in regards to changing undesirable parts of my personality and behavior is that it is usually easier to do something rather than not do something. If I made a commitment to not judging other people I’m fairly certain that I would fail even before the end of the day. I think the real answer is for me to become more accepting of other people. This means fully accepting the idea that people will always have good reasons for what they believe, and that they are not just holding such beliefs in an attempt to piss me off.
Hi Paul, I get your point.
In debates people will have the best intentions considering everybody has a reason for acting like they do.
After feelings of personal attack things can easily heat up.
For some it looks like they do this purely for self gratification.
What I find, without judging them, people who are out to win an argument like it is a vendetta are often in need of personal attention.
In discussions it takes some creativity, but as soon as I feel my blood pressure is rising, I try to think of ways to state the complete opposite of what I am tempted to say.
Instead of a judgemental or provoking reply where I still would be trying to defend my point of view, it’s time for a helicopter view and bring a certain argument to a respectful conclusion.
There must be a term for it of which I’m not aware. It manages to keep my peace of heart and self-dignity and mainly in the real world I even have become on a friendly level with people who could easily have been ‘enemies’. Compassion is key.
I’m not sure if I’m clear; below are some examples.
Feeling -> Action
—————–
Talk -> Listen (in face to face discussions)
Insult, Ridicule, Patronise -> Compliment in an original manner
Rationalize -> If you’re sharp and witty enough: Irrationalise (in a non-offending way)
Defend -> Downplay self-importance and knowledge, and in f2f discussions, use mirroring technique to start talk about the person instead of perspective.
Etc. (There must be so much more I’m not aware of..)
Hi I-nomad. I like your approach here. It must take a bit of discipline to do the opposite of what you want to do, but I can see how it could be effective. I do find myself backing down more in debates these days – even when I know that it would be easy for me to continue the argument.