Intense and Confused in My Forties

The parting words of most of my ex-girlfriends included the nugget “you are way too intense”. I never paid too much attention to what this might mean, and I certainly never considered that it might be an important insight into my own problems in life. I thought it was just something that women say as part of their farewell speech – in the same ballpark as, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” and basically only a nicer way of saying “get lost, you loser”.

Today one of my Facebook friends also made the observation that I’m a very intense kind of person. This comment wasn’t provided as part of any kind of break-up ritual (she hasn’t un-friended me yet anyway). This description brought up so many memories of other people in other times making the same observation about me. I’m now forced to seriously consider the possibility that these guys may have actually been on to something.

What Do You Mean I’m Way Too Intense?

I suppose one of the main reasons this ‘intense’ comment never made much impact on me is that I’ve never really understood what it meant. I equate being intense about things as being passionate, so to me it sounds like a positive attribute. So when someone tell me I’m too intense it comes across as a compliment – even though I can usually tell by the way they are saying it that they do not mean it as a compliment. The “you are too intense” description from my perspective is like saying, “you’re are too happy” or “you are too handsome”. My reaction to people saying this to me has been to just shuffle my feet and wonder what the hell is wrong with them – duh, of course I’m too intense, why wouldn’t I be?

Looking back now, it seems obvious to me that I completely misunderstood what these people were attempting to tell me about my intense nature. They weren’t trying to just make me feel better about the news of the breakup. The message wasn’t “we are breaking up but at least you still have your intensity”, but instead “I am breaking up with you because your intensity makes you unbearable to be around”. The description wasn’t that I’m a passionate go-getter, but I take everything way, way, way too seriously.

I find it incredible that I’m only realizing this truth about my intense nature now. It is so obvious. It is hardly surprising though, I remember this girl at a party once telling me I was arrogant, and I took it as a compliment – my reasoning being that only obviously successful people could be viewed as arrogant. I have an impressive track record of not getting what other people are trying to tell me – what can I say, it’s a talent, albeit not a very useful one.

Time to Lighten Up

I can’t change overnight, but I do want to stop taking myself so seriously. It is hard to break away from the habit of a lifetime, but the first step is to recognize the problem. I change because of pain but first I have to understand the cause of the pain. This realization about my intense nature feels like a huge step forward for me. It’s probably a bit late in the day, but to all those people who told me I’m too intense over the years – thank you!