Finding Home

I left Ireland in 1987 and other than for a few months here and there, I have remained away from the country of my birth. In fact, I have now lived for longer in Thailand than I did in Ireland.

I remember meeting an old Irish guy in a pub in London soon after I moved across the water. He advised me to return to Ireland as soon as possible because if I didn’t, I would always be an outsider. I wasn’t English, so I could never fully fit in there, and when I’d return to Ireland, I’d feel like an outsider there too because I would have spent too much time abroad. It turned out he was right.

Growing up, I desperately wanted to fit in, but I just didn’t seem able to. The truth is, I already felt like an outsider even before I left Dublin. Maybe it was easier for me to feel like an outsider in a foreign country than it was in my home. Now I live in Thailand where my foreignness sticks out way more than it ever did in the UK where only my accent would give me away.

I have lived in many places, and every time I made the move, there was always the hope that I’d finally find a place where I fit in. The place where I belonged. I never did find it because belonging has nothing to do with a place. Belonging is something we feel inside. Belonging is stillness – my true home. Now, no matter where I am, I’m always at home in stillness.