Facing Death So We Can Have a Good Life
I recently came across an article titled, How the Unrelenting Threat of Death Shapes Our Behavior, and it got me pondering. It examines how thinking about death changes the way people behave. The theory is that humans react to the existential terror of knowing that they will one day no longer exist by finding security and comfort in something bigger than them – things that will still be here long after they are dead. This all sounded fairly reasonable to me, but what I found most interesting was the theory of how people achieve this security. The suggestion is that they do this using 2 psychological constructs – they develop a strong faith in their own worldview and in their own self-worth. This explains why we can feel so threatened when our ideas about how the world works are challenged. The opposing view is attacking the carefully constructed barricades that help us deal with our terror of death. No wonder each side of the spiritual debate feels threatened by the other – there is a lot at stake.
Belief in Nothing and the Fear of Death
When I hear the atheist claim that the religious cling to their beliefs out of fear of death it always strikes me as an unfair criticism – the image of people throwing bricks in glass houses comes to mind. It is equally possible to get comfort in the idea that once we die there is a blessed nothingness. I once had faith in such a belief. I’d go so far as to say that the idea of consciousness surviving death is a far scarier proposition because it is so far removed from what we know. Non-believers will sometimes even admit that the idea of possible infinite existence sounds appalling to them. Belief in life after death opens up all sorts of scary possibilities such as malevolent ghosts and maybe even being judged for our actions while on earth. The non-believer can be equally accused of adopting their worldview because of their fears surrounding death – to assert that this is only a weakness for the other side is intellectual dishonesty. Of course there is no way for us to know which of these opinions about death is right unless we experience the afterlife, or lack thereof, for ourselves.
My Experiences with Death
I’ve had more experience with death than the average person. Before I began my training as a nurse I’d never even seen a dead body (unless you count one I caught sight of from a distance). I only worked as an RGN for a few years but during that time I witnessed hundreds of people die. At one stage I was working in a hospice back in Ireland and we could have 2 deaths per shift – there was one particular night when we had 5 people die in the space of a few hours. I developed a new appreciation for death, and I greatly admire those nurses who work in palliative care all the time because it is not an easy job. These experiences opened my eyes to how terrifying death can be for the person going through the process and how they develop the inner capacities to deal with it. Of course those who are terminally ill can get annoyed with the suggestion that they are being brave – it is not like they get much choice in the matter.
When I hear people claim that they are not afraid of dying I find it hard to believe. Even if death is the end of consciousness there is still dying part to think about – that happens while we’re alive. A minority of people die in their sleep or suddenly in an accident, but the improvements in resuscitation techniques means that more of us can expect to face knowing that we are soon going to die. There is no way that we can know how we will react to this situation until it happens to us. Those who say differently are just whistling in the dark to keep their spirits up.
My experiences working with death changed me. It has given me a new appreciation for life and the dangers of taking things for granted. It has added a sense of urgency to my existence because I know that death comes quickly even if it lies decades in the future. I’ve come to the conclusion that trying to ignore death is a huge mistake. It means that we fail to appreciate what we have now, and when it becomes time to die we won’t be ready.
Living With Our Own Mortality
Whether we like it or not we are all influenced by the knowledge of our own mortality. This awareness of our approaching death is the driving force behind all of our achievements and as well as our most evil deeds. It shapes who we are and explains why we do things. Nobody knows what happens after we die but we all take our comfort where we can get it. I try not to judge other people too harshly for how they do this – perhaps they know something that I don’t.
Just because we take time to think about our approaching death isn’t shameful, and we are not being morbid. It is actually a positive thing because it encourages us to take care of our bodies and make the best out of the time we have. I’ve not yet found sufficient evidence to conclude that consciousness/ awareness survives death but my strong hunch is that it does. The only thing I am 100% sure of is that the life I have now is there to be lived to the fullest.
Watching the mind is a fulltime job.
Just watching mine during a recent death is still going on 1 month later tomorrow.
The Christian mind and Buddhist mind, see thing differently, but both with comapssion.
Death is for sure the big mystery
I remember reading on your website that somebody close to you had died. I think you are lucky because you don’t seem afraid to grieve – that is not something everyone can say. Death is the impenetrable mystery.
Paul, have you ever meditated on death? This is an important contemplation in Buddhist practice and is not yet a topic I’ve stepped into, as I don’t feel I’m ready yet.
I recently listened to this Dhamma talk by an Insight Meditation Society (IMS) teacher named Gil Fronsdahl, about the contemplation of death. I think you’ll find the talk quite interesting:
http://audiodharma.org/talks/audio_player/2990.html
Another great post Paul (you always get me thinking, stretching, wondering). Your life around the dying must have been difficult but on the positive side it’s given you an understanding of what to expect as well as an insight into your personal strengths. I seriously doubt I’d be as strong.
I don’t know what to think of death really. I don’t believe in a god so I don’t have an easy litany to fall back on. Also, I’m an avid reader and books take me into all sorts of different mindsets. Some I quite fancy but they are merely twists dreamed up by creative authors – twists that take me away to another world for awhile.
A person close to me announced before Xmas that she’s dying so I spent time looking into it but not what happens after she’s no more. My main aim was to be prepared for serious conversations about a subject I knew absolutely nothing about. Death. She isn’t a believer either so I knew the after death bit wouldn’t be an issue. Also, always the practical one, she seems more concerned about not being a burden (she’s busy getting her life in order, making sure we won’t have too much to do ‘after’). But only time will tell.
After reading ‘Dying Well’ I now have a comfort in knowing that death doesn’t have to be feared. And when the time comes, if I do have a choice, I know the route I’d take. But I don’t believe I’ll actually know what what direction my thoughts will go until I’m faced with the realities. Will I panic? Spend time with regrets? Who really knows?
Hi Catherine, I think my experiences with death occurred at the right time in my life. If I’d been doing that work during my depressive twenties I doubt that I would have been able to cope. I don’t think that I’d be able to do that work full-time, and this is why I so greatly admire those who do. Caring for the dying is one of the most important jobs on the planet as far as I’m concerned.
I’ve struggled with ideas about death all my life. For a long time I tried to believe that after we died there was nothing. The idea does make sense, but I just never could get comfortable with it. Deep down I knew that there is no way that anyone knows what happens after we die. The non-believer is making as much of a leap of faith as the believer. I’m open to the idea that there is a continuation of consciousness after death. If I had to choose I’d say that there is a continuation.
It is difficult to know how to react when people we care about are dying. I suppose the best advice is to follow their lead. In my experience the most important thing we can do for a dying person is to be there with them – there can be an increased need for physical contact. I think holding somebody’s hand while they die is the nicest thing that one human can do for another.
I agree. Caring for the dying must be emotionally draining. I’m sure one would have to have a special heart to be able to cope with not only the person dying but their loved ones. I admire anyone who can do it for any length of time.
I go back and forth on the nothing bit too. But I figure it doesn’t really matter what I believe. If, at the time, I find I’m more comfortable with the need to believe that I sweetly float off into the clouds, then that’s what I’ll go for.
Thank you for the advice Paul – following sounds good. In a way that’s what I’ve been doing so far. I don’t instigate conversations on the subject. I leave it up to her. I’ve been worried about what to do at the time but really, she’ll be in charge so I’m good to follow her lead and just be there for her when she needs me.