Do You Qualify as a Hopeless Alcoholic ?
During the final days of my obsession with alcohol, it would have been a relief to know for certain I was a hopeless case – that my fate was out of my hands. This realization wouldn’t have been so bad. I would have been like the person who has been diagnosed as terminally ill and come true the denial to accept the reality of the situation. This comparison isn’t so far-fetched because I probably didn’t have long to live if I’d carried on drinking. You see, I could accept the misery of end-stage alcoholism – the real torture was the troublesome idea that my life could be better.
How Low Can You Go
I entered my first treatment center in 1988, and I was still failing at sobriety in 2006. I doubt even Steve Jobs had enough tenacity to put up with this level of repeated failure. I remember reading somewhere that the average alcoholic dies within 15 years unless they are able to stop – so I suppose I was doing well to still be alive. I must admit, it didn’t feel like much of an achievement at the time.
I used to hear experts talking about the ‘downward spiral of addiction’, but it didn’t accurately describe my situation. It wasn’t so much that my life was steadily getting worse – it was more like my behavior led me into different arenas of suffering. My lowest point would have been at age 25 when I had an alcohol-induced mental breakdown and ended up living on the streets. I drank for another 8 years after this and never again experienced that level of dysfunction.
I knew after that first time in a treatment center that there was always going to be a price to pay for my drinking. I didn’t mind giving up on the chance of living a ‘normal life’ – I could fool myself into believing that a life without alcohol would be a living death. The idea of dying young didn’t bother me either – in fact, there were hundreds of mornings when I woke up upset because I was still alive. I could survive most of the lows of addiction, but it was the knowledge that things could be so much better made it unbearable.
The Hopeless Drunk
During my years of struggling with alcohol, I did have periods of staying sober – I once managed two years. These periods of sobriety were mostly wonderful, but I always felt like an imposter. When I entered my first rehab, they told me the best I could ever hope for was to become a ‘recovering alcoholic’ – my new life was always going to be conditional, and I’d heard lots of horror stories in AA about old-timers who missed a couple of meetings and ended up back drinking. I couldn’t relax in recovery because I believed it was only a temporary reprieve.
At the end of my drink, I’d almost fully accepted the idea that I was a ‘hopeless case’. I’d first heard this description years before at an AA. I met this old Donegal woman (at least she looked old) who was returning to the meetings after her latest relapse. She told me that she was a hopeless case, and from our short conversation, she suspected I was a hopeless case too. I was just young guy, so I easily dismissed her comment as the ravings of a crazy lady – later on, it felt like her prediction had cursed me.
The term ‘hopeless case’ is used to refer to those people who seem unable to ‘get on the program’ – usually the Alcoholics Anonymous program. In the AA Big Book there is a description of this poor unfortunate hopeless case:
“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.”
I couldn’t give myself completely to the AA program, or to any recovery program, so it seemed obvious that I was one of these hopeless cases. My periods of sobriety gave me a real hunger for this life, but I also knew that it wasn’t possible. It was this combination of desperation and hopelessness that made the final months of addiction so horrible.
No Such Thing as a Hopeless Case
I no longer believe in hopeless cases. I began my new sober life at a temple here in Thailand called Thamkrabok. On my first day at this facility, a monk told me his simple theory of addiction. It didn’t involve words like ‘disease’, ‘daily reprieve’, or ‘recovering alcoholic’. He suggested that I’d somehow lost my way in life, and I’d been using alcohol as a tool to cope with this discomfort. The monk promised if I stayed sober, I would be able to get on track, and the need to drink alcohol would disappear. This theory sounds naively simplistic, but it made complete sense to me, and it has proved to be correct.
I’m not suggesting that all the hopeless cases should come to Thailand and follow in my footsteps. My point is there is no such thing as a hopeless case – if you are capable of hoping, you are going to be able to find a solution. It doesn’t matter how long you have been struggling, and how many times you have failed, there is always the possibility of a better life.
Update – I wrote this blog post back in 2014. In the years since then I have worked with many clients who, just like me, would have considered themselves to be ‘hopeless cases’ – they were wrong too. If you are interested in working with me online, please check out my coaching page. I can share with you a path that worked for me and many others.
What a terrific post in which you have such a fantastic message to give Paul.
I was continually upset with myself knowing that life could be so much better, that it had so much more to offer me and that I had to offer to life but I chose to mire in the dark recesses of substance abuse and as you referred to in a former post; I busied myself with chasing altered states.
There are any number of methods one can use to find and maintain sobriety but I believe that it begins with the hope you have described which leads to a decision by the afflicted to take action. The decision may have to be arrived many times but the hope has to be ever present.
This was an excellent read Paul. Thank you.
Hi Glen, I like what you say about hope. It’s strange, I felt so hopeless in the end, yet it was hope that saved me.
BTW – I’ve visited your website, and it’s great stuff. I plan to be visiting more often.
Thank you Paul. That means a good deal to me.
You are a gentleman.
I really enjoyed reading your article. I’m 27 years old and first realized I had a problem last year after crashing my motorcycle intoxicated. Since then I’ve found myself oscillating between periods of abstinence and periods of intense drinking over a span of a few days.
I’m particularly interested in your experience at the temples in Thailand. I currently live in the country and it might help me to visit the same one you went to. Also I’m wondering if you meant to write “discomfort” rather than “comfort”. Did the monk mean to say you drink to cope with the discomfort of losing focus on your life?
Thanks
Hi เนล, yes I did mean to write “discomfort” rather than “comfort” – I’ll change that. Thamkrabok was where I needed to go to quit alcohol. If you are doing stuff you don’t want to do while intoxicated, and you don’t seem able to stop, it does sound as if you need some help.
I’ve lived in Japan 15 years now. After getting divorced in May 2015 my alcoholism has spiraled out of control. It hurts really bad now watching my daughter grow up from a distance.
Alcohol is the only thing that calms me down at the end of the day. I desperately want to be rid of it but I feel bored not in the sense of monotony. My mind creatively speaking is used to alcohol as the counterpart. Processing images of my daughter growing up with me
and now gone necessitate drink or I can’t see them. Alcohol is like food for me.
going without it is like fasting.
What I want to say is why? and How? do you get out of this situation.
I feel hopeless now.
alcohol is destroying my life day end day out yet, I feel powerless over its control in my life.
if I don’t drink after work its like not eating dinner. almost more powerful. I would rather drink than eat dinner if I had the choice. Alcohol is food for me and I spend 2 times the amount of money on alcohol than food.
and yeah I have been to numerous Vipassana retreats, lived in India for a year at ashrams
still doing yoga and meditation reading sacred texts chanting Gayatri mantra, hiking
every weekend, teaching as a career and still…hopeless alcoholic.
nothing works for me.
Hi Chris, I felt completely hopeless by the end of my drinking, but it was what made it finally possible for me to break free. There had been a war going on in my mind for years and years until I finally realised it was a war I could never win. So, instead of trying to think my way out of alcoholism, I began to look to see what exactly was keeping me trapped – I found mindfulness very useful for this because I could see that it was just thoughts keeping me trapped. Like you, I had been doing lots of meditation retreats and it didn’t seem to offer a permanent solution – it took me a long time to realize that this was because I was trying to escape my mess rather than trying to understand my mess. If you want to talk more about your situation, you can contact me on info@paulgarrigan.com
Hi,
My darling girl, fashion model, kind (when sober) was “constitutionally incapable of being honest”. She feared nothing, drunk or sober. She died when her oesophagus ruptured due to being worn out from +10 years of vomiting every other day. She certainly was a “hopeless case”. I think God took her from me since there was no other thing that could be done..
Im afraid of everything right now.. I have been drinking for so long.. I crashed my car..Fell asleep.. got a dui.. Cant go more than three days without drinking.. Always say Im gonna have a few beers and end up blacking out or waking up in some odd place around the house other than my bed.. I think Id be better of dead..
Hi Dan, the thought that ‘I would be better off dead’ regularly popped into my head during my years of drinking. I was right in a way because that part of me that was addicted to suffering needed to die. It can be really hard to quit drinking without appropriate support so I would urge you to find the support you need. It sounds like you are desperate enough to completely let go of your old life and that is good news.
Hi Paul. I’m just 3 days without a drink. Still a little shaky and worried that I may drink agAin, but I don’t think so. I drank for about 9 days. I am totally worthless when I drink and no good to anyone. I was walking around the house doing weird things, using the bathroom on myself all the time. People think I’m insane. I’m sure it’s true.
Hi Eddie, three days is great, and you will never regret staying away from the alcohol. One of the worst things about the booze is that it makes us feel worthless. This is how it keeps us trapped. There is no way we would remain trapped in addiction if we didn’t hate ourselves a bit. You are not worthless, and the fact that you are trying to quit alcohol is proof you are not insane. Eddie, I sincerly wish you all the best with this. Get plenty of support if you can.
Is your web site still active? Been struggling with alcoholism/depression for a very long time, am 77 with 20 years sobriety and shorter stints. Missing a spiritual element. Tried most alternate help/treatment avenues non seem to work long term. Getting suicidal as I also suffer from chronic pain which eventually i medicate with alcohol over other measures. Dave
Hi Dave, it sounds like a horrible situation for you to be in. The only thing I can suggest is what worked for me and that was mindfulness. I recently added more information about my path using this method here https://paulgarrigan.com/path-away-from-addiction/. This is also what I teach my clients at Hope Rehab.
Hello there Paul. I’m so glad that I stumbled onto your website! I just skimmed through a little bit of “path away from addiction” and I had a couple of real “Aha!” moments. I’ll tell you what those moments were after I read the whole thing. I’ve been on Methadone for many years and I feel that it has probably kept me alive. There’s so much stigma attached to it that I feel reluctant to say anything too positive about it in this arena. Arena? Sure.
I’ll share more later perhaps. I just wanted to tell you that some of the things that you say in “path away from addiction” have really grabbed my attention. I look forward to reading the rest very soon. I’m losing more and more friends to addiction whether it’s an illness related to their past addiction or straight up overdoses. I can also relate to the Good Paul/Bad Paul thing.
I don’t feel that my behavior is that of an addict in active addiction. Maybe it’s because the Methadone keeps me from having to associate with undesirables. However, I’m having a hard time with depression and anxiety. It’s time to get some relief, you know, happiness.
I hope to be in touch soon.
Thanks for helping.
Paul,
I feel like my daughter is a hopeless drunk. She’s been drinking regularly since high school and she is now 29. She has run very friend away and her siblings don’t have much to do with her. As parents, we are obviously idiots for still trying to help her. She’s been in so many rehabs I’ve lost count. Even old sponsors laugh when she gets a new one and just tells them, “good luck”! She has been a big liar most of her life and she can’t seem to do the rigorous honesty very long. She lies to her sponsor and is literally a professional liar!! She lives in denial, blaming People and remembering things wrong. She has been sober several times for 3-4 months and is so delightful, then just one day out of the blue comes home so drunk she can’t stand up and then tells us she’s not drunk. She now knows she has a problem but still can’t seem to give it up completely. She attends AA almost daily, speaks to her sponsor daily, if not 3-4 times a day. What more can possibly Be done!? I feel totally helpless and feel she is truly a hopeless case.
Hi Angela, what worked for me was getting the thing I was looking for with alcohol a better way. The problem I had while caught up in addiction was that I didn’t really believe such a thing was possible. This meant that giving up alcohol always seemed like a sacrifice.The 12-step approach didn’t work for me, and I started to resent being continuously pushed in that direction by well-meaning people. When I was sober, I would meditate and experience a little bit of peace of mind. Eventually, I got enough proof that well-being without alcohol was possible and the giving it up was easy. So, I guess the key is for your daughter to be convinced that a better way of living is possible for her. Just telling her probably isn’t going to be enough, she has to somehow experience this. You are obviously in a terrible situation, and you are doing all you can, but the truth is only she can fix this. I wish the two of you all of the best.
I am 58 yrs old and retired by choice….I have been a heavy drinker for about 8 years on and off( more on then off ) ..I have gone to Detox 10 times,Rehab twice and tried AA many times , but I always fall back into the bottle..I feel hopeless,trapped,worthless and useless..I suffer from depression,anxiety and suicidal thoughts..I don’t think my hubby takes me serious..Do I have to die to prove it to him and me.. I can’t seem to find the strength to do it…I have the means and the plan but…..Addiction and depression = destruction…I read so many stories with happy endings but I’m not sure that will be true for me…
Hi Charlie, I promise you that change is possible. I struggled for almost two decades to stop and then one day I did. A huge part of this was finding a path that worked for me. Your husband may never understand how hard it is for you, and there are many reasons for why this can be the case – it is a common situation – the important thing is you know, and you find a way to escape the horror show you are stuck in. Often when we are truly desperate, it means we are very close to a solution.
I don’t know if this page is still active or not but I needed to read this. I am a recovering opiate addict, but my dad is a severe alcoholic. He has been an alcoholic for 50 YEARS now…his mother was an alcoholic, his grandfather died at 45 from alcoholism. Alcoholism, sadly, runs in our family. Throughout my childhood and teenage years my father called himself a “functioning” alcoholic because he got up and had a good job, making good money, and worked every day. Well when I went into recovery myself as a teenager, I told them what my father said and they said “there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic”. Years passed and he went from beer to liquor…and that’s when things spiraled out of control. His wife of 25 years, my stepmother, was dying from Parkinson’s and my father, being a severe alcoholic, got charged with neglect because he couldn’t take care of her, much less himself. So I moved in with them and took care of her. While these years were passing he was in and out of detox… Then she passed away and he really spiraled out of control. He has been to detox over 40 times now and many centers won’t even accept him anymore and I have had several doctors tell me that he was a “hopeless” case. He was living by himself and now he can longer live alone because I’m almost certain he has wet brain…so he is living with me now. He is still going in and out of detox and I just don’t understand it. Why does he keep going to detox if he truly doesn’t want to get sober?! It seems like he is fighting a true spiritual battle…between good and evil…this going in and out of detox centers. He is elderly now as well…and most alcoholics do not make it to his age. His health has been surprising good except for the fact I think he has wet brain although no doctor will diagnose him with such. It seems like they have given up on him…won’t even diagnose him with alcohol related diseases. I love my dad. He was a great father to me growing up…in fact he was my hero…but this disease has destroyed him in every way… Since he is elderly I have been taking care of him, but I have health problems and a husband and 2 children, it is draining me…I’m so tired from the in and out detoxes and then his drunken episodes…plus like I said, I also took care of his dying wife for many years…so I’ve been a caretaker plus a mother, wife, I worked until I become sick myself and all of this…I’m exhausted…but I refuse to give up on him, even after many have told me he was hopeless…because I feel like deep inside his soul he truly wishes he could beat this evil disease. I just don’t know what else to do. Anyways…I pray my father is not a hopeless case…but he might be and that’s beyond heartbreaking to even consider.