Blame, Shame, and Alienation
I Once Hit a Girl
I once hit a girl in the head with a stone. I was six years old. That was also the day when I have my first memory of shame and shifting blame.
It happened at the back of the school playground. I was with some friends, and we were throwing stones out towards a bit of wasteland. I didn’t even realize that anyone had been hit until a teacher started screaming at me. It was scary and confusing, and I had certainly never intended to hit anyone. Luckily, the girl only had a small cut on her head.
Shame and Shifting the Blame
I knew that something bad had happened, and I knew that everyone was blaming me, but I didn’t understand how it could be my fault. I felt deep shame because it was if my body had somehow betrayed me. I was too careless. I was too hyper.
I didn’t even plan to be throwing stones. I just joined in with some other boys. Maybe they were the ones who were really to blame? What was that girl doing hiding in that bit of wasteland anyway? Surely, she was to blame as well?
The movie Jaws had recently come out, and there was a scene where two young boys scare everyone on the beach by moving a fake shark fin through the water. When they are caught, the reaction of one of the boys is to just blame the other one, ‘he made me do it’. This is a perfect example of blame-shifting. I can relate.
Who Is to Blame?
Blame divides the world up into culprits and victims. Life is not that simple though. When we are being pointed to as the culprit, our automatic response is to shift the blame. We blame our circumstances, we point the finger at unfairness in the system, we blame other people, or we blame it on being misunderstood.
Even when we do accept that it was our fault, we do so in a way that still shifts the blame. We don’t see that shame and self-hatred are just another form of blame-shifting. This time the one who has let us down is ourselves (‘why did I do that?’), and we relate to ourselves as if we were a burden that we needed to carry.
Blame Leads to Alienation and Division
Blame is an artificial construct, and it is not a true reflection of life. It is based on the assumption that we humans are somehow separate from the rest of the universe and that our actions always appear to us as willful. Blame may be a necessary concept for a functioning society, but this doesn’t mean it is good for our mental health.
It is the need to place blame that creates a barrier between us and other people. It contributes to the alienation we feel in life – how can we feel connected to the world if we are blaming the world for our problems? It is also the source of the division inside of ourselves that leads to shame and self-hatred.
The Anecdote to Shame
The way we escape shame and heal the divisions in our life is to accept responsibility. This requires courageous compassion, and the recognition that we are more than just the voice in our head. We are our life – all of it. It means welcoming our shadow (the bits of ourselves that we feel ashamed about) back into the light because we understand that when we push these parts of ourselves into the dark, they just fester. It means refusing to create a barrier between ourselves, other people, and the rest of the world. We stand by who we are, and we accept the consequences of our actions.
If you would like to do some coaching with me, just fire me an email at info@paulgarrigan.com
