I occasionally get positive feedback from readers of the blog suggesting that I should feel proud of my achievements. I can understand where these people are coming from, but I must admit that I don’t really feel proud about any of it. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel a deep sense of gratitude for how well my life has turned out. It is just that I don’t feel that this has been due to my own efforts. It sort of feels like the universe keeps on pushing me into doing the right things, so what is there for me to feel proud about?
My Achievements in Life
My life has been an incredible journey so far, and I’ve experienced some great highs and some real lows. My biggest fuck-ups have occurred at those times when I’ve tried to micro-manage my life, when I felt like I was in charge, and my biggest successes have occurred when I’ve let go of this control. I’m a terrible judge when it comes to deciding what is best for me, but when I just allow my life to unfold, I’m always delighted with the results. It seems odd to take credit for my achievements when all that I’ve done is get out of the way of whatever forces govern this life.
I don’t make any effort to not feel pride in my achievements – it just doesn’t enter my thinking. I’m not feigning modesty in the hope that other people will say nice things about me. I just don’t do pride, and I definitely don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything because of it. The reality is that this feeling of pride would come with a heavy price – it would mean once again taking on that incredible burden of believing that it is my job to sort out the universe. I already know that I suck at that job, so I want nothing to do with it.
Letting go means eliminating most of the worry from my life. I still get days when this worry creeps back, but it is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I don’t know how this all works, I don’t need to know, but when I just trust the universe to take care of things my life keeps moving in a positive direction. I allow the universe to guide me through my intuition – I take the action that is indicated, and I don’t worry about the results of this.
Giving up Alcohol is Nothing to Feel Proud About
I remember somebody once said to me that giving up an addiction was nothing to feel proud about – it just meant that I’d stopped being a waste of space. I felt hurt and angry at the time, but there is definitely at least some truth in what they said. No human is a waste of space, but it is true that I did not end my addiction through my own efforts. I spent years fighting alcohol, even during my dry spells I was still fighting it, but the addiction ended when I stopped fighting. I gave up trying to control my alcohol intake, and the universe guided me to safety.
I’m so grateful for my life today, but it really feels like I got here despite of me and not because of me. How can I feel proud of my achievements when the universe had to drag me kicking and screaming all the way?