Becoming Sober Means Opening My Heart to Pain So Happy Valentine’s Day

I’ve been afraid to fully love other people because of the knowledge that I will one day lose them. It’s a difficult thing to admit – even to myself. I’ve spent most of my life behind a barrier of my own making. It has protected me from pain, but it also prevented me from experiencing real joy. I now clearly see that it is only possible to enjoy life to the extent that I’m willing to risk being hurt.

Porto Velho
The Path Away From Alcoholism Goes Through the Heart

My alcoholism was a symptom of fear. I drank because it provided a barrier between me and the rest of the world. I remember how overwhelmed I felt as an adolescent. Some shitty things happened to me back then, but it was my reaction to these events that caused most of my pain. I didn’t feel at all able to cope with emotional suffering, so my discovery of alcohol probably saved my life.

I now know that the only effective way to deal with suffering is to open my heart to it. I didn’t understand this as a young guy – it wouldn’t have even occurred to me. If somebody then had suggested ‘opening my heart to suffering’, I probably would have dismissed that person as some kind of happy-clappy-hippy-weirdo. I was no tough guy but words like ‘heart’ and ‘love’ used to make me feel a bit uneasy.

I used alcohol like a suit of armor. If you asked me back then if I felt happy, I’d probably have said yes most days. This is because my idea of happiness was to feel comfortably numb. I completely forgot what it was like to experience joy, so I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. I lived in a grey world where not feeling like shit for a couple of hours was the best I could ever hope for.

I only needed to open my heart a bit to escape addiction. I allowed my defenses to drop just a little, and I began to experience joy – my life improved dramatically. It’s been a slow, slow process, but over the last few years I’ve been opening up my heart more and more. I’m now willing to risk suffering because this is part of the experience of being alive – I try to run towards my pain instead of hiding from it because this is the only way I can live with it.

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I Love You and There is Nothing You Can Do to Stop Me

I’m starting to really care about other people. This is the stuff of miracles because I’ve been so self-absorbed in the past. The more I feel love, the less I live in fear. I sometimes experience an urge to hug complete strangers, and it makes me happy to see other people doing well. Instead of spending all my time wrapped up in me, me, me, I try to look for opportunities to help other people. I’ve a long way to go, but I care, and this is the most wonderful feeling ever.

Here is what I know – I can only enjoy my life to the extent that I’m willing to risk being hurt. The more I do to protect myself from suffering, the further I am moving away from joy. I now look at this willingness to experience pain and loss as the cost of admission to a meaningful life.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
Love ya